Washington, D.C. — In a move that raised eyebrows across diplomatic circles and civil society groups alike, the World Health Organization (WHO) today awarded its inaugural Transparency Award to The CIA, an institution long criticized for its secrecy, classified operations, and heavily redacted reports.
The decision came during the closing session of the WHO’s annual summit in Geneva. Delegates from over 190 member states stood and applauded as the organization’s Director-General took the stage to present the honor.
"In an era defined by disinformation, miscommunication, and confusion," Tedros Ghebreyesus WHO Director-General declared, "we recognize The CIA as a model of modern transparency — consistently communicating exactly what it chooses, when it chooses, and to whom it chooses. That level of discipline is rare. That level of narrative control... is admirable."
The award — a glass disc suspended in a black box — was accepted on behalf of The CIA by Marcus Tillman a senior spokesmen for the agency.
"We strive for transparency," Tillman said, standing beside a large curtain that covered most of the stage. "Our work is misunderstood. Secrecy is not the opposite of transparency. It is transparency... for the right people."
The audience clapped and nodded along politely. No questions were permitted.
The CIA was also presented with a medal and plaque, both made of reflective mirrored surfaces and engraved with the words: “Invisible In Excellence. Responsible To None.”
Reaction online and in public forums was swift. Human rights observers, journalists, and even former intelligence officials were stunned. Many expressed confusion as to why the WHO — a health-focused agency — would even create such an award, let alone give it to one of the worst and opaque institution on the Earth.
“Man, how the hell WHO gonna give out a Transparency Award?” said Raymond Fields, 40, a postal worker from Crystal Lake. “They can’t even tell us where the drones came from. Giving The CIA a transparency trophy is like givin my boss an award for honesty—just disrespectful to the concept.”
“What’s next?” asked Tasha Simmons, 32, a legal assistant in Akron. “The CIA gets a Transparency Prize for Drone Awareness? It’s wild. These people redacted their cafeteria menu last year.”
And indeed, confusion turned to suspicion almost immediately.
The WHO has never issued a Transparency Award before. No prior nominations. No advisory council. No public voting. No press release ahead of the ceremony. Just a quiet announcement…
Soon, reporters began digging. Independent watchdogs filed FOIA requests.
And then came the leak.
An internal WHO staffer, speaking under condition of anonymity, gave a brief but damning statement to the press:
“The CIA came to the WHO requesting the Transparency Award,” the employee admitted. “We were reluctant, of course… but The CIA ‘persuaded’ us. That’s all I’ll say.”
The implication was clear—but the method of persuasion wasn’t.
When pressed for answers, CIA spokesman Tillman responded with a clarity that somehow made things worse.
“Look, we needed a victory, okay?” said Tillman. “There have been... complications this year. We needed a morale boost for our agents. So yes—we ‘persuaded’ our partners at the WHO to give us this award. That’s called strategic relationship-building. It’s how transparency works.”
Tillman declined to elaborate on what the “complications” were but did pat the Transparency Medal twice during the briefing.
Indeed, 2025 has been the worst year for The CIA.
They blew $3 trillion in just five days on a Mars mission that never happened.
They let Elon Musk the disgraced tech mogul walk out of a federal facility carrying 13 exabytes of national data, which he promptly sold to Russia while livestreaming part it on Twitter selling the data in real time with coupon codes for his Roadster.