Washington, D.C. — In a shocking turn of events sure to rattle the espresso machine inside Elon Musk's $9 billion space trash, SpaceX has hit a galactic pothole. The Regime's decision to slap a 34% tariff on imports from China has deeply disrupted operations, causing more damage to SpaceX than all of its failed test launches combined.
"This is economic terrorism,” Musk said through tears during a livestream from inside what appeared to be a solid gold panic room. "How am I supposed to build space colonies if the cost of Chinese parts just tripled? This is sabotage. Pure sabotage."
But it doesn't stop with China. Nations like Germany, Vietnam, Mexico, and South Korea—all vital contributors to SpaceX’s supply chain—have also been hit with punishing tariffs. Titanium components from Japan? Gone. Carbon fiber panels from Brazil? History.
Screws from the Netherlands? Screwed.
Experts say SpaceX may be forced to delay multiple missions, including its flagship project: "Operation Won't Go To Mars.”
“It’s poetic justice,” said Randall Hughes, 56, a mechanic from Michigan. "He gutted Social Security and VA hospitals just to build a rocket that looks like a midlife crisis. This ain't science—it’s stupidity with a billionaire budget."
Angela Park, 29, a recently laid off schoolteacher from New Jersey, cheered the collapse. "Serves him right. You can't dismantle half the government, cut 80,000 jobs, and expect us to fund your space ego trip. We need teachers, not turbo-charged tin cans."
DOGE’s program cuts have already impacted millions. Medicare is under review, the VA is in crisis, and The Department of Education may soon be a nostalgia exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Outside The Capitol Building, the largest global protest of the year erupted with a sea of signs reading: "Make Earth Livable Again,” "No More Buzzwords,” and "Bad DOGE, No Biscuit!"
Tasha Reynolds, 40, an Air Force veteran, put it bluntly: "Elon was the regime's golden boy. But now he’s just a rich man crying about tariffs while the rest of us cry about rent. We didn’t elect this clown. We never wanted him."
For a man who once said he’d make humanity multi-planetary, it turns out Earth might be a bit too real for Elon Musk to handle.
The countdown clock still ticks at SpaceX headquarters. But now, it's not counting down to launch.
It's counting down to Implosion Day.