ANCHORAGE, AK – Just when you thought the geopolitical soap opera couldn’t get any dumber, Elon Musk and President Trump have decided to build a friendship tunnel under the damn ocean with a hostile nation during a global war.
Yes, you read that right.
After President Trump completely TACO’ed out again and left Zelensky to fend for himself with a few cents, a pack of chewing gum, a half-used roll of duct tape and a “Thoughts & Prayers” bracelet, Russia offered Elon Musk a deal so suspicious it looked like the Russian submarine that totally didn’t malfunction off the coast of France.
They want his Boring Company—a firm best known for building tunnels with sand bricks and fixing potholes with silly string mixed with stucco—to build what they’re calling the “TRUMP–PUTIN Friendship Bridge.” A tunnel between Alaska and Russia.
Elon Musk was so excited he reportedly shat his pants and tweeted “Best offer EVER.”
President Trump, naturally, posted this on social media:
“Peace through profits. Security through real estate. Unity through a tunnel—one that I definitely thought of first. This will be the biggest, most luxurious, most tunnel-y tunnel in the history of Earth. It’s going to be underground, under budget, under control—under me. And folks, the money? Oh, the money’s gonna be so good. So much money. HUGE money. I love money more than Melania loves not showing up. This tunnel’s gonna bring in more money even while you sleep... just like I do.
”But something here stinks—and it’s not the Alaskan salmon.
“This whole thing reeks of backroom vodka and Wi-Fi,” said Tomika Raines, 58, a retired Alaskan surveyor. “There’s never been a feasibility study. And if the government tells you there was? Don’t believe them. They love backdating documents that never existed. The billionaires run the government now. Open your eyes.”
Which raises the obvious question:
Why Elon Musk? Why BORING Company?
It’s not like Boring Company has a résumé that screams ‘reliable civil engineering partner’—unless you count burning holes in Las Vegas.
Let’s review a few of Musk’s past “infrastructure miracles”:
• Hyperloop Hyperbole (2017): Claimed he had “verbal government approval” for a vacuum tunnel between NYC and DC. Seven years later, we still have potholes deeper than his tunnels.
• Claimed BORING Company would transport your car directly into your garage. So far, it hasn’t transported a damn thing but investor money into the abyss.
• Promised recycled dirt bricks to build homes. Result: no bricks, just dirt.
• Said fares would be “about $1” and sold the dream via mobile app. The app now redirects to a crypto casino in the Maldives.
None of it ever came true.
None of it ever will.
And then there’s his weird tweets:
“The Starship fleet is designed to achieve over 1,000 times more payload to orbit than all other rockets on Earth combined. Almost no one understands this.”
“We will use Grok 3.5 (maybe we should call it 4) to rewrite the entire corpus of human knowledge.”
“Epstein tried to get me to go to his island and I REFUSED, yet they name me even before Prince Andrew, who did visit.”
“Musk always says he’s thinking 20 years ahead, but he’s 10 years late and still crashing Tesla’s in parking lots,” said Reuben Stackhouse, 44, a former aerospace engineer. “Now Putin wants him building tunnels to Alaska?”
“I guess Musk, Putin, and Trump got one of those ‘special relationships,’ like the kind you don’t talk about at public hearings,” said Melinda Rae Griffith, 61. “All three of them smiling like Bond villains at a Cold War bake sale.”
But let’s be honest: the Alaskan summit confirmed what everyone already knows. Trump will always cave to Russia.
Does Putin have something on him? Probably.
Does it involve Trump, a folder marked “Private Golf Footage”, and six billion taxpayer dollars?
Almost certainly.
What’s 100% clear is this:
Trump’s last phone call to Putin ended with the words,
“Please… just be my friend.”
And now your tax dollars are headed underwater—literally—to finance a friendship tunnel for billionaires who couldn’t build trust with a Lego set.
Welcome to the new United States.
Where enemies get bridges.
And you get to foot the bill.