WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what can only be described as the weakest attempt at digital swagger since MySpace added glitter, the Trump regime just launched a Drudge Report knockoff and called it “new and revolutionary.”
Trump, who once banished Matt Drudge to the cornfield for being insufficiently worshipful, now wants to be Matt Drudge. At a press event that featured three crows masquerading as bald eagles, two malfunctioning teleprompters, and one screaming MAGA fan, Trump said, "This is The United States greatest reform to media. It’s new, it’s trendy, and was totally made up and created by the greatest team America has ever seen before. Believe me."
The layout? A shameless clone. The headlines? Clickbait with a McDonald's problem. The vibe? If QVC and a conspiracy blog had a baby in a tanning bed.
“It’s like watching your grandpa try to reinvent TikTok using a fax machine,” said Olivia Vance, 41, a freelance web designer from Boston.
“I've seen better interfaces in my toaster’s menu settings,” added DeShawn Patel, 33, UX engineer from Houston. “I clicked one link and my phone started sweating.”
Of course, longtime political observers knew better. Trump had once praised Matt Drudge as a "true patriot" during his first term before tossing him aside like a used MAGA hat at a CNN studio. Now he's trying to cosplay as Drudge with a clunky website that looks like it was built on GeoCities.
"Matt Drudge gave us something fresh and rebellious. This new site? It looks like someone printed Drudge and spilled ketchup on it," said Harold Smith, 58, a political blogger from Ohio.
But let's not pretend Trump is the only billionaire groupie stealing from the people.
Mark Zuckernutz snatched Facebook from his dorm mates.
Thomas Edison jacked Nikola Tesla’s entire AC/DC energy flow game and had the man put in his grave by Prescott Bush.
And Elon Musk? He stole Tesla, jacked NASA's archives, renamed their rockets, and now sells you “free speech” for $8 a month while auctioning your private data to Russia's Ministry of Defense.
"Every time a billionaire 'invents' something, I lose two years off my life," said DeShawn White, 35, a warehouse worker from Illinois. "And now they stealing websites too? What’s next? Trump gonna claim he made WiFi?"
“Billionaires don’t innovate. They repackage your ideas, slap their names on it, and sell it back to you with interest,” said Gerald Thompson, 66, a retired teacher from Michigan.
"We built this country. They grift it," said Curtis Lee, 51, a factory line supervisor from Michigan.
“I once paid $75 for a ‘limited edition’ Musk flamethrower that turned out to be a camping torch with duct tape. Never again,” said Barry Rodriguez, 44, from Buffalo.
And the corporations? Oh, they've had their fingers in every historical cookie jar.
Oil companies made billions during the Bush years while selling you patriotism at $7.89 a gallon.
Petrochemical giants cashed in during Vietnam while spraying forests with chemicals and calling it democracy.
Big Pharma? They minted trillions during a pandemic and thanked you with an expired gift card and a 17-page waiver form.
And now we've got the luxury scam. It costs $5.26 to make. Add a little lavender scent, slap on “Made in Italy,” and boom — $100,000 and a velvet rope around a bottle of dish soap.
NASA says a rocket costs $50 billion. Reality? $6.85, some duct tape, and an invoice padded like a Kardashian memoir.
"It’s all just a big circle jerk. Take taxpayer money, slap a tech label on it, and resell it to us with subscription fees," said Priya Nadar, 33, a data analyst from New Jersey.
The truth is, the billionaires are out of ideas and they're too dumb to create new ones.
This new Drudge ripoff is a symptom, not the disease. The regime isn’t innovating — it’s regurgitating.
Slapping a wig on the past and calling it the future. They're robbing the cradle of American originality and blaming the poor for dropping it.
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Where the news is garbage, the outrage is real, and the punchline is... always you, the American public.