Washington, D.C — The White House was thrown into absolute chaos Monday morning after Vice President Trump furiously demanded the immediate firing of Rick James, the current head of the White House Press Corps.
James, known for his legendary music career and extravagant lifestyle, was appointed by The Biden Administration—a move Trump has now called “the worst hiring decision in U.S. history.”
At a hastily arranged press conference, Trump stormed onto the podium, visibly agitated, waving his arms wildly.
“I don't know who hired this guy, but it wasn’t me! It wasn't my people! I hire the best people! Rick James? He's has to go."
As journalists exchanged nervous glances, the Vice President continued.
“This guy—this James guy—he walks around here like he owns the place! Leather boots. Big sunglasses. And the attitude? Wow. Just wow. He walks around saying, ‘I'm Rick James!’ like that’s some kind of qualification. That’s not a qualification! That's just your name!”
Trump continued, “He’s got to go! He’s in there wearing purple leather and giving speeches about ‘freedom of the press’ like he owns the place! I asked Secret Service to remove him and two of them came back wearing sequined suits, talking about the ‘funk enlightenment.’ It’s a disaster."
When a reporter pointed out that Rick James passed away in 2004, the president paused, blinked rapidly, then shook his head.
“No. No. That can’t be right. He was just here. Five minutes ago. In my office. He took my Diet Coke.”
The White House Press Corp was visibly confused, wondering if the Vice President might have early stage dementia or something.
White House officials, desperate to regain control of the narrative, immediately sent out Elon Musk to hold a follow-up press briefing.
The eccentric billionaire-turned-government-thief sauntered onto the stage.
“Alright, let's get one thing straight—Rick James is a problem."
“I don’t trust a man who wears leather pants to work. Unless it's me. I don’t trust a man who says his own name as a response to questions. The only person who can do that is Elon. I don’t trust a man who, when asked for a policy update, just says, ‘Cocaine is a h311 of a drug.’ Trump JR is only allowed to do that.”
Musk continued, “The nation needs innovation. The White House needs leadership. The White House needs me. Elon Musk!”
With Trump spiraling, Musk rambling, and Rick James seemingly refusing to acknowledge his own mortality, the American public is at a complete loss.
Joseph Macintyre, a recently fired employee from National Forest Service said, “Hold up—who the he11 is running background checks at the White House?! How did we get a DEAD MAN in charge of the press? What’s next? They gonna hire Elvis to run the Pentagon? Jesus, take the wheel.”
Gladys White, former Meta employee from Florida said, “I'm tired. First, they laid me off from my job. Then, they tell me eggs are $33. Now, I find out a funk legend has a government salary? I ain't never seen nothing like this in my life. Not even in Florida.”
Earl Johnson, a concerned Auto Union employee worried about tariffs, stated, “Man, at this point, just give him the job. He clearly ain't leaving. Matter of fact, make him VP. I bet he got better policies than half these fools. ‘Mary Jane’ would probably make a better national anthem too. Whatever, man. Just let me know when we're allowed to care again.”
Despite the regime's attempts to remove him, James remains unbothered.
In what was supposed to be his resignation speech, he instead walked into the press room, took off his sunglasses, and smirked.
“I'm not leaving. You know why? Because... I'M RICK JAMES BITCH!”
Trump reportedly threw his Diet Coke at the screen. Musk was heard screaming in the hallway. The White House remains in full crisis mode.
America, meanwhile, is just trying to survive through Trump's America.