Austin, TX — The fiery fallout at Tesla Corp just got spicier—and it’s not about the cars this time. CEO Elon Musk has filed a lawsuit against “everyone,” including social media platforms, late-night comedians, and one particularly snarky 8th grader, for making jokes about his infamous bowl cut and oversized head.
“I will not stand for this,” said Musk in a press conference, his haircut gleaming under the fluorescent lights like a rejected space helmet. “This relentless bullying is a direct attack on my character, my leadership, and my personal style choices. My head isn’t ‘too big.’ It’s just... futuristic.”
The lawsuit claims that the jokes have caused Musk “irreparable emotional damage” and “difficulty finding a barber who takes him seriously.” Legal experts, however, are skeptical. “He might win damages if he can prove the haircut wasn’t done by a hedge trimmer,” quipped one lawyer.
The public, unsurprisingly, has doubled down. Memes of Musk as “The Galactic Hairdresser’s Test Subject” have gone viral, with hashtags like #BigMuskEnergy and #SpaceBowl trending worldwide. One TikTok user created a filter that lets you “Musk-ify” your face with an alien-green hue and the infamous haircut.
Agent F.T. Bea O’Nion, leading the investigation into Tesla's fiery vehicles, refused to comment on the haircut lawsuit. However, he was caught on camera biting his lip to suppress a laugh during a press conference. Witnesses report hearing him murmur, “The haircut’s the real crime here.”
While Musk battles barbershop jokes in court, federal agents remain focused on the actual investigation. “We’ll let the courts handle the haircut situation,” said Bea O’Nion, barely holding back a chuckle. “We’ve got bigger fires to put out.”
*Developing