Standing at just 4 feet 9 inches, Secretary of the Treasury Janet Yellen appears to be an unassuming, grandmotherly figure. But beneath her exterior lies an untold mystery, one that has left world leaders, markets, and even Mother Nature trembling in her wake. Her tenure has been marked by an uncanny series of catastrophes that seem to unfold whenever she so much as raises an eyebrow. Coincidence? She insists so. Reality? Let’s just say... the evidence suggests otherwise.
It all began during a diplomatic trip to China. As Yellen stepped off her plane, she stumbled slightly, snapping her heel on the first step. Assisted by aides down the rest of the stairs, the moment seemed minor—until hours later, a typhoon formed off Japan's coast, causing massive flooding.
“This was our black swan event,” lamented Japanese officials. “Who would’ve thought a broken heel could trigger a natural disaster? Next time, we'll send a shoemaker to greet her at the tarmac.”
During a state luncheon in Guangzhou, Yellen was served a rare mushroom delicacy. As she took a bite, she coughed and remarked, “That’s a little spicy.” What followed was pure economic pandemonium: Over the course of 3 months The SSE plummeted 50% and The HSI by 25%, and the national currency lost 15% of its value.
“We honestly didn’t know the mushrooms were that spicy,” said a visibly distressed CCP official. “If we had, we would have warned her—or just stuck to plain rice.”
On a recent trip to Peru to inspect sanctions enforcement against Russia, Yellen's car ride to the Presidential Palace took a fateful turn. The driver hit the brakes a little too hard, causing her to lean slightly forward. Moments later, a 5.8 magnitude earthquake struck, sinking an entire mile of Peru's coastline.
President Boluarte was despondent. “If we had known a slight jolt to her posture would sink part of our country, we’d have bubble-wrapped the motorcade,” she said.
Back home, Secretary Yellen met with Fed Chair Powell to discuss monetary policy. As they shook hands, Powell's grip was reportedly a bit too firm, causing her to wince slightly. What followed could only be described as Wall Street’s worst nightmare: The NYSE crashed 30% in mere seconds.
“It was so fast, the circuit breakers didn’t even blink,” said one trader. “It’s like the algorithms saw her grimace and collectively had a heart attack.”
Later, Fed Chair Jerome Powell admitted, “I should have been gentler. I mean, how was I supposed to know that one handshake would wipe $6 trillion off the markets? That’s on me.”
During his first term, President Elect Trump made the critical mistake of skipping a scheduled meeting with the secretary, citing “more important matters.” Yellen attended the meeting without him, and what followed was nothing short of catastrophic.
Long-term bond rates soared to 11%, while short-term rates skyrocketed to 23%, leaving financial analysts clutching their chests in terror. Trump quickly cleared his schedule and raced to meet her. “I can’t let that one out of my sight again,” Trump later admitted.
When asked about these bizarre incidents, Secretary Yellen laughed. “Oh, come on, don’t tell me you're a conspiracy theorist! I’m just doing my job. It’s all coincidence—pure and simple.”
Pressed on the patterns and odd timing of these disasters, Yellen waved it off with a chuckle, adding, “Next you'll be saying I control the weather!”
True or not, there’s no denying the uncanny chaos that seems to follow Secretary of the Treasury Yellen. Typhoons, earthquakes, economic crashes—whenever she’s involved, something extraordinary...and disastrous happens.
Whether she’s a magnet for calamity or simply misunderstood, one thing is certain: world leaders are taking no chances. Her next trip is already scheduled, and rumor has it, Germany has ordered extra padding for all staircases, drivers, and handshakes.