Mossow, RU — In an unprecedented move that has left the world stunned, Russia has reportedly eliminated every journalist in the country, citing their primary offense as “talking too much.” Over the first five days of 2025, the Russian government executed 85 journalists in what they described as a “cleansing effort to restore peace and quiet.”
Multiple Russian government officials expressed pride in the bold move. “For years, journalists have been yapping away, writing stories, and asking questions. It was unbearable,” said Kremlin spokesman, Viktor Mutezov. “Now, for the first time in decades, I can hear myself think. It’s beautiful.”
“Journalists have been an unchecked source of noise and inconvenience for decades,” said FSB agent Vladimir Rostovitch. “Their questions? Exhausting. Their headlines? Sensational. Their opinions? Completely unnecessary. Today, we’ve given the people of Russia exactly what they've always wanted: blessed silence. You're welcome.”
Minister of Interior, Yelena Volkova, was equally enthusiastic. “This wasn’t just a decision—it was a gift. By eliminating journalists, we’ve guaranteed a brighter, quieter future. The streets are calmer, meetings end on time, and I haven’t been interrupted by a single microphone all week. It’s incredible.”
A senior Kremlin official, visibly pleased, addressed a small crowd. “This is a proud moment for Russia. Journalists were a distraction, a drain on productivity, and frankly, a nuisance. Now we can focus on progress without their endless chatter. If some call this oppression, let them. We prefer to call it noise cancellation.”
Global Outrage
The international community erupted with condemnation over Russia’s actions.
UN Security Council: “Russia’s actions are a gross violation of human rights. Silencing journalists on such a scale not only erodes democracy but also threatens the very fabric of free expression worldwide. We demand an immediate reversal of these policies and accountability for those responsible.”
UN General Council: “This is unacceptable and sets a dangerous precedent. Today, it’s journalists in Russia; tomorrow, it could be anywhere. We cannot allow such blatant disregard for press freedoms to go unanswered. The world is watching.”
UN Secretary-General: “We unequivocally condemn these actions. Journalists are not a threat—they are a pillar of democracy. Eliminating them is not just a crime against humanity but a crime against truth itself.”
United States: “This is an appalling assault on freedom of speech. Russia’s actions must face consequences, and we will ensure they do. Silencing the press is the hallmark of tyranny, and no nation should stand for it.”
European Union: “This is a step backward for humanity and journalism alike. Freedom of the press is non-negotiable, and Russia has made itself an international pariah through these despicable actions.”
BRICS Nations: “Even we can’t condone this level of suppression. While we value sovereignty, what has happened in Russia crosses a line that no nation should dare to cross.”
North Korea: In an unexpected twist, the DPRK issued a rare rebuke, stating, “That’s too much, even for us. Russia, calm down."
Ukraine: “We've been saying this for years. You're welcome. If anyone doubted our warnings about Russia, here’s your proof. Maybe listen to us next time.”
Israel Praises Russia
While the global community condemned Russia’s actions, one Middle Eastern nation broke ranks to express admiration for the boldness of the move. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, grinning from ear to ear, held a press conference where he described the actions as “a masterclass in efficiency.”
“We find Russia’s approach... inspiring,” Netanyahu declared, clutching a notepad filled with meticulous scribbles. “They have demonstrated what can be achieved when a nation is unafraid to silence unnecessary voices. This is not just about quieting dissent—it’s about paving the way for a stronger, more unified future.”
Netanyahu went on to suggest that his own country might explore similar measures. “We are taking careful notes,” he said, holding up a color-coded spreadsheet titled ‘The Russian Model: Steps to Success.’ “Our journalists have been testing our patience for years. Perhaps it’s time to consider how we can implement a version of this strategy that suits our cultural and territorial ambitions.”
Netanyahu concluded the conference by alluding to Israel's border expansion goals. “A nation that controls its narrative is a nation that expands its influence. Russia has shown us the path, and we are eager to walk it. The silence is truly golden.”
The remarks sparked immediate uproar across international media, but Netanyahu remained unfazed, responding to criticism with a casual shrug.
“Sometimes progress requires hard choices,” he said. “And sometimes, those choices require a little... inspiration.”
Russian President Reaffirms Commitment to Freedom of Speech
President Putin later issued a statement reaffirming his nation’s commitment to freedom of speech and the rights… by eliminating journalists. “We remain steadfast in our dedication to a free and open press—just one that doesn’t talk so much,” he said.
United States and European Union dismissed Russia’s statement as "inadequate." “You can’t execute 85 journalists and then claim to support free speech,” said a U.S. State Department spokesperson. “That’s like setting a house on fire and calling yourself a firefighter.”
As the global outcry grows, Russia remains defiant. Russia teased a future initiative to “silence noisy podcasters,” claiming they are the next threat to national tranquility.