Savannah, GA – Whoa buddy. Stop the press. Tell us if you’ve heard this one before: Jesus Christ is coming back.
No, not metaphorically. Not spiritually. Not “in your heart.” We’re talking clouds splitting, trumpet blasting, white-robed cavalry descending from the sky like a divine flash mob.
And according to The Koup Klux Klan (KKK), it’s happening this October. Yes. This October.
Well… after He apparently missed the September window due to a “calendar mix-up,” which the KKK blamed on humanity’s confusing pile of calendars — Julian, Gregorian, Fiscal, iPhone — they now claim October is the real date. Because apparently Jesus can’t figure out which calendar to use.
“This month (September), we are fasting, praying, and aligning ourselves with Liberty University and the Southern Baptist Convention,” said KKK spokesman Daryl Henders. “The Lord is coming to redeem us.”
When pressed about other people groups—like the poor, the oppressed, the different, the beaten, the forgotten—Henders grew visibly agitated.
“I don’t want to talk about that right now,” he said. “My mind’s on The Lord.”
Because nothing says ‘holy focus’ like dodging accountability.
“The Rapture? For Them?”
Needless to say, the public had some thoughts.
“The KKK? Getting raptured?” laughed Lorraine Chambers, 42, a nurse. “These are the same folks who told my daughter God doesn’t hear prayers in Spanish. But now they’re first in line for heaven? Sure. Okay.”
“The KKK spent all of 2023 banning books, whitewashing history, and shutting down food drives unless the bread came with a baptism,” said Reginald Price, 55. “Now they think they’re getting beamed up first? Please. If Jesus is coming back, He’s not rolling with The Liberty Way Club.”
“They hate Blacks. They hate Jews. They hate Asians. They hate Hispanic’s. They hate gays. Not sure what’s left,” said Tanya Bell, 50. “But they love themselves—and anyone that “looks” like them. I guess in their theology, that’s enough.”
“Let’s be honest,” said Darius King, 25, a warehouse worker. “The KKK been runnin’ the country like it’s Sunday morning segregation. If the Rapture really hit, they’d be the first ones confused—standing in prayer circles asking why Jesus didn’t accept their VIP pass stamped with hate, hush money, and half a Bible verse.”
The KKK has fully committed to the October prophecy. Some members have quit their jobs, sold their cars, and are stockpiling “Rapture Readiness Kits” featuring:
• One King James Bible (abridged to their comfort level), • A single stale communion wafer, • And a laminated certificate of moral superiority.
They even stopped their racist hate filled activities for one full month. A FULL MONTH.
Meanwhile, theologians, historians, and folks who can read more than one book remind us:
• Jesus said “no one knows the day or the hour”—but the KKK keeps guessing anyway. • They’ve predicted the Rapture 88 times since 1986, and somehow failed to get raptured even once. • The only thing they've ever been early to is bigotry—and late to every point in Scripture.
There’s nothing funny about genuine faith. But when it puts on a robe of whiteness, slaps a burning cross on someone’s yard, call itself a Christian University, a politician who claims to be follower of Christ, or a MAGA follower, and calls itself the only way forward— It stops being religion. It becomes supremacy with a choir.
The KKK doesn't walk in the teachings of Christ. They walk in gated morality, curated forgiveness, and a deep fear of anyone not baptized in their image of whitness.
So if Jesus really is coming back— Will He come for the loudest voices claiming heaven like a real estate deed? Or will He be found on the margins of The KKK’s world in E-Saw… with the blacks they hate, the Jews they use, the hungry they overlook, the forgotten, —the very ones the KKK worked so hard to leave behind?
One thing’s clear now: October came. The skies stayed quiet. And the only ones missing were the receipts.
No trumpet. No chariots. Just another doomsday that came and went— while the KKK kept counting crowns they never earned.
So maybe the question was never about who would rise… but who kept others down.
Because if heaven has a guest list— we’re starting to think the KKK isn’t on it.