Washington, D.C. — In a move as fierce as the wildfires ravaging Southern California, President-elect Donald Trump has accused the small Caribbean nation of Jamaica of orchestrating the blazes and threatened military action and economic sanctions in response. The announcement has left political analysts, environmental experts, and, well, pretty much everyone else scratching their heads.
Speaking at an emergency press conference, Trump declared, “The evidence is overwhelming. These fires didn’t start themselves—they were lit by vandals from Jamaica. Their palm trees are jealous of our redwoods, and this is their revenge. I won't stand for it.”
When asked for evidence, Trump pointed to a series of blurry satellite images showing tropical birds flying over California. “Those birds aren't just birds,” he said. “They're spies. Possibly arsonists. I don't know. We're looking into it.”
Trump wasted no time outlining an aggressive response, dubbing it Operation Tropic Thunder. The plan includes:
1.) A naval blockade of Jamaica to “cut off their supply of matches.”
2.) The deployment of three aircraft carriers to Jamaica's coastline, supported by 10,000 Marines “to secure the beaches and interrogate any suspicious seagulls.”
3.) B-2 stealth bombers to patrol the skies for “potential coconut-launching operations.”
4.) Economic sanctions targeting Jamaica's biggest export: coconuts.
“This will send a clear message,” Trump declared. “If you burn our forests, we'll burn your economy—and maybe your palm trees too.”
The President-elect also promised “total dominance of Jamaica's airspace,” stating, “Our B-2 bombers are already fueled and ready to strike any flamingos or suspicious hammocks in the area.”
Jamaican Prime Minister Andrew Holness dismissed the accusations as “laughable” in a nationally televised address. “Our nation doesn’t even have the technology to conduct advanced warfare, let alone orchestrate something as complex as starting wildfires across the Pacific. Our most sophisticated military asset is a GPS-guided trebuchet.”
Holness didn’t stop there, adding, “If the President-elect is so desperate to find someone to blame, maybe he should ask his buddy Elon Musk. With all those satellites and gadgets he has floating around in space, who’s more likely to be behind this? I mean, he’s probably watching us right now—and let me say, ‘Hi, Elon!’”
Critics were quick to call out the absurdity. Senator Jackson remarked, “This is what happens when you spend too much time on conspiracy websites. Next, he'll blame Jamaica for hurricanes too.”
Environmental scientist Dr. Sandy Jones added, “Wildfires are caused by poor forest management, not Caribbean beaches. Let’s focus on real solutions, not fantasy villains.”
As wildfires rage on and international tensions escalate, Trump's approach continues to spark controversy.
Beyond threatening Jamaica with invasion and sanctions, he has also hinted at military action against Canada over their annexation rhetoric, as well as raising alarms about invading Greenland for their minerals and resources.
Critics are stunned by the sheer breadth of conflicts brewing before Trump has even taken office. “We're on the verge of starting three wars at once—one over palm trees, another over a glacier, and a third over maple syrup,” said one political analyst.
Meanwhile, the President-elect is reportedly drafting an executive order to rename all tropical storms after California cities, calling it “a warning to future adversaries.” When asked how this addresses the actual crises at hand, his office responded, “It sends a strong message. Details are irrelevant.”
For now, Jamaica, Canada and Greenland seem unimpressed by the bluster but are bracing for unpredictable developments. The world watches with bated breath as Trump barrels toward his first day in office, leaving both allies and enemies wondering just how many fires—literal and figurative—will need extinguishing.