San Jose, CA – In an unprecedented development, Google’s entire C-Suite has gone missing following simultaneous explosions that obliterated three separate underground bunkers designed to safeguard the tech giant’s top brass.
The attacks come just seven days after Google’s, Apple, and Amazon's Headquarters were reduced to smoldering craters in a mysterious offensive no one has claimed responsibility for. After last week’s disaster, Google’s board went into full panic mode, scattering their executive team to three secret bunkers—one in Seattle, one near Washington D.C., and one buried beneath San Jose. These were their prized sock puppets, after all.
Clock Strikes BOOM: Somebody Took Out the Trash Before Sunrise
At exactly 06:00 a.m., two thunderous explosions rocked what locals assumed was just open land outside San Jose. Three minutes later, Seattle was slammed with a shockwave that flattened an entire city block—most of which was occupied by a sprawling homeless encampment. Nine minutes after that, Arlington, VA shook under three massive blasts, again originating from an unmarked field. With echoes of last week’s techocalypse still fresh, American’s panicked.
“I thought we were getting hit again,” said Shawna Rhodes, 36, from Silicon Valley. “I grabbed my kids and ran into the bathtub with a fire extinguisher. Don’t even ask why.”
“We were still sweeping glass off our streets from the last time,” added Malik Trenton, 51, a school janitor in San Jose. “Now this? It felt different though. Like it wasn’t about us.”
But in Seattle, the story turned grim. Four hundred individuals, mostly from a drug-riddled tent city, were reported missing after the blast vaporized an entire block.
“It’s tragic,” said city spokesperson Drew Keller. “We may never know exactly how many were lost. These were already invisible people. Now they’re ash.”
Google’s Execs Vaporized: American’s Responds with Blank Stares and Popcorn
Thirty-three hours after the blasts, whispers turned to roars: Google’s executives had been inside the bunkers.
“Yes, we can confirm the loss of all five executive teams,” stated Department of Defense (DOD) spokesperson Maj. Carla Vyn. “This appears to have been a coordinated strike.”
Satellite imagery revealed gaping craters in all three locations. The deepest, in Arlington, measured 3,333 meters—three times deeper than the others. It felt personal.
President Trump emerged from his subterranean golf bunker this morning to deliver what aides described as a “calming address,” though most of the nation would call it something closer to old man syndrome.
The swampland surrounding Alligator Alcatraz—formerly a failed water park turned presidential fortress—is now ringed with motion-sensing catfish set to explode on proximity, electrified lily pads, and one animatronic air boat captain who shouts "Fake News!" every hour on the hour. Secret Service agents patrol the dock in MAGA-branded hoverboots.
“I just want to say—we’re doing great, folks. Really great,” Trump began, waving awkwardly to an AI-generated crowd projected onto empty folding chairs—his real supporters long gone because of his Epstein List Cover up. His spray tan, uneven and peeling, clashed violently against the ghostly white goggle rings etched around his eyes like a raccoon who lost a tanning bed fight. “Some people are saying this was an attack. Could be. Could be a protest. Could be weather. Honestly, has anyone looked into wind terrorism?”
Pressed on the coordinated strikes that eliminated Google’s entire executive class, Trump pivoted.
“Look, all these explosions? Not even confirmed. Could be plumbing. Could be migrants with jackhammers. DEI might be behind it or BLM—too much inclusion can cause combustion. That’s what I’ve heard. People are saying it.”
Asked about the massive floods crippling half the country, the President scoffed:
“Water? It’s just wet air. Nobody panics when there’s too much dry air, do they?”
As reporters pushed for clarity on the Seattle casualties and AI system failures, Trump launched into a five-minute rant on “woke weather apps,” claiming they were “undermining American masculinity by predicting rain.”
He also unveiled the new “Secure Our Skies Act,” which includes $17 trillion in funding for invisible air shields, balloon surveillance, and a floating presidential yacht called The Freedom Blimp II.
“Folks, I’m building things. Big things. We’ve got cyber cows. We’ve got drone parades. We’re putting vending machines in space. Leadership!”
Asked one final time whether the attacks were domestic or foreign, Trump paused, looked solemnly at the crowd, and said:
“The real enemy, folks… is negativity.”
He then exited the stage by calling forth America’s new slave migrants to carry him away.
Public Cheers as Corporate Ghoul Parade Ends in a Flash of Justice
When news broke that the tech titans were gone, the reactions were unexpected.
“Well, good riddance,” laughed Terrance Lopez, 43, from Phoenix. “Google’s been spying on my microwave for ten years. I hope it choked on its own metadata.”
“Those creeps were building robocop babies in underground labs,” said Michelle Grant, 28. “Call me crazy, but I’m sleeping better tonight.”
“They called themselves ‘ethical technologists’ while testing neural shock waves on foster kids,” said Dr. Leonard Rios, a whistle blower in hiding. “The only thing they respected was profit. And even that they stole.”