The Charges: Beyond Imagination
Later that morning, Special Agent F.T. Bea O’Nion, flanked by federal officials, addressed the nation.
“We are committed to protecting the integrity of The United States of America from all enemies—foreign and domestic. No one is above the law.”
Then came the list.
Elon Musk now faces:
• 17 counts of Theft of Government Property • 800 counts of Unauthorized Removal and Retention of Classified Documents • 700 counts of Computer Fraud and Abuse • 404 counts of Conspiracy to Defraud The United States Governments • 396 counts of Conspiracy to Defraud The American People • 283 counts of Obstruction of Justice • 829 counts of Making False Statements • 900 counts of Removal and Destruction of Official Records • 1,002 counts of Unauthorized Disclosure of Intelligence • 185 counts of Wire Fraud • And 17 counts of Aiding and Abetting, including Providing Material Support to enemies of The United States
The full indictment spans nearly 7,007 charges.
The room was silent as O’Nion closed his statement. No questions were taken. No explanation was offered. Just a warning:
“The United States has laws. And those laws apply to everyone, including billionaires.”
Never before has the world witnessed such a dramatic collapse of a billionaire elite. Elon Musk, who once held the title of world’s richest man, now holds a prison ID number and a court date.
But in the United States, the reaction wasn’t panic. It was relief.
Across the nation, the American people weren’t crying over Musk’s downfall—they were throwing parties.
“I lost my SNAP benefits ’cause of him,” said Darlene Thompkins, 53, pushing a cart past a closed food bank. “Musk out here talking about fiscal responsibility while riding around in a gold-plated drone shaped like his face. Man spent more money on eyebrow transplants than our whole district got for lunch programs.”
“He cut school funding to build robot hall monitors,” said Tyquan Dale, 28, holding a pink slip and a coffee that cost his last $18. “Little metal punks rollin’ up on kids like, ‘DO YOU HAVE A HALL PASS?’ Meanwhile, the roof’s caving in and the history books stop at 1987.”
“This clown stood in front of the Presidential Seal and threw up a Seig Heil,” said Jerome Daniels, 66, retired Navy. “He looks like a bootleg Xi Jinping who just lost a Fortnite match. My granddaddy didn’t storm Normandy so a man who looks like a sentient Croc shoe could salute the wrong damn flag.”
“Musk’s been gaslighting this country like a broke ex with a podcast,” said Marlena Ruiz, 41, mother of three. “Told us we’re crazy while he laid off factory workers, sold our browser history to Russia, a country that don’t even like us, then told us ‘the vibes are immaculate.’ The only vibe now is prison orange and Bubba.”
Elon Musk’s downfall isn’t just a story of ego and excess. It’s a warning—to every foreign elite who thinks The United States is for sale.
If you rob the people, cheat their systems, strip their benefits, lie to their faces, sell their secrets, and disrespect their service—
You will end up just like Musk.
From trillionaire to prison meat.