Washington, D.C — The United States has just entered the Worst Week in the History of Man. Thirteen flood disasters in thirteen days. Twenty-two tornadoes ripping through the Midwest in just 24 hours. Yellowstone? Shut down due to an out-of-control wildfire. Foreign diplomacy? In shambles. The Epstein Files? No one prosecuted. And now?
Now the desert is on fire.
According to official reports, the "Gothic Fire" began on July 4 in an isolated section of Nevada desert. Since then, it has consumed over 432,700 hectares of...sand — an area roughly the size of Massachusetts. Officials claim the fire threatens "vital airspace" but failed to mention it's also licking at the gates of America's most conspiratorially beloved zip code: Area 51/52.
"We’ve lost an enormous amount of desert sand," said Fire Marshal Amy Goodfellow in a press briefing. "Whole sections of sandcastles, mud dunes, and 17 decorative sand formations — gone. Wiped out. It’s a total loss."
But the public isn’t buying the government’s smoky explanation.
"Lightning strike in the desert? Bro, sand doesn't catch fire like that," said Ted “Skeeter” McGraw of Las Vegas. "I seen the footage. Flame throwers, government trucks, big ol' 'DO NOT FILM' signs. If it walks like a cover-up and burns like one... it’s a cover-up."
"First it was The Epstein Files," said Marisol Ortiz, 32, from Reno. "Now they out here barbecuing the whole Mojave like it’s 4th of July on a budget. Who the hell lights up sand for fun?"
"China out here hustling moon crystals like they bootleg Jordans," said Lacy Nguyen, 27. "You telling me they teleported rocks from the moon... into a gift shop? Get the hell outta here man."
"What’s next? A cruise ship outbreak in Death Valley? A dolphin migration through Phoenix? The desert doesn’t just throw a tantrum and set itself on fire," added street blogger @TruthBeTold247.
And would they be wrong for believing this? Trump tried to wave a finger and make The Epstein Files disappear like they were a bad Yelp review. Now The CIA is allegedly trying to incinerate Area 51 out of existence. For what? To hide aliens? Reverse-engineered TikTok servers? A secret base where they tested new Biden body doubles?
American’s have questions. So The CIA called a press conference.
"There is NOTHING going on at Area 51/52. The only aliens here are you nut jobs asking dumb questions." said Dean Hargrave a spokesman for The CIA.
Renee Patterson from CGN raised her hand. “What about the drone footage showing your agents with flamethrowers near the perimeter fence?”
Hargrave sneered, “They weren’t starting fires. They were getting rid of giant red ant piles that invade the facility. We gotta keep our personnel safe.”
Darnell Brooks of The National Inquiry asked. “Is The CIA involved in starting the wildfires around area 51?”
Hargrave growled “Are you insinuating WE were involved in this heinous act?”
Without saying another word, Brooks unfurled a glossy, oversized image — agents in full CIA gear, grinning while hosing the desert with fire like it was the Fourth of July parade in hell.
Hargrave laughed. "It was a training exercise. Nobody’s starting fires. That footage? Out of context. Another conspiracy theory. Our agents were running standard drills to improve safety protocol. Nothing more."
The room went dead silent.
Hargrave straightened his tie and continued, “We're here to protect and serve The American People. You can trust us. We're here to defend. We’re here to watch over and protect The American Public.
Olivia Choi from Channel 19, brought up the mysterious AARO office.
"It’s a stupid department we made up to keep you conspiracy theorists busy with paperwork," Hargrave said, openly sipping from a flask labeled "ANTI-TRUTH SERUM."
But some citizens are asking what government officials refuse to answer: How do you start a fire in the middle of the desert? No trees. No brush. Just sand, rocks, and secrets. A spark in a fire-pit doesn't burn 432,000 hectares without a little "help."
As Jake Mattson put it, "Oh, so now desert sand burns, huh? That's cute," Jake shouted from a sidewalk across the street from the Capitol. "What's next, ice catching fire in Antarctica? Epstein files snowing over the Mojave? A pinata full of JFK Files? You got agents with flamethrowers and call it a training exercise? Nah, that's called a cookout — and y’all grilling alien ribs!"
He paused
"You think American’s are that dumb? We know you’re burning evidence. What are you hiding CIA? A UFO crash or Biden’s real Wi-Fi password? Either way — this ain’t just a bonfire. It’s a funeral for the truth."
The CIA’s Mike Pompeo once proudly declared: "We lie. We cheat. We steal."
Planes are still crashing. Satellites are falling. Tornadoes are organizing themselves like they got managers. The fog came, then rain, and now the desert's on fire?
American’s aren’t buying the PR.
You burned the base to erase the secrets. But the question remains:
How do you start a fire in the desert?
And more importantly: What is The CIA trying to burn away?