Washington, D.C. — In what may be the most expensive case of “oops” in history, The CIA has reportedly burned through $3 trillion in just five days on a Mars mission that, well, never actually happened.
The ambitious plan involved launching the ProbeStar-9000 Ultra Rocket, a state-of-the-art Rocket designed to lead a crew of 6 Astronaut's to the red planet. The rocket to carry it, nicknamed The Red Eagle, was meticulously built, polished, and inspected—but never actually left the docking station. “It looked really cool just sitting there,” said a CIA spokesperson, “so we decided to, you know, leave it.”
A Second Spaceship?
The CIA decided to build a second spacecraft because the first one was too cool to use. The second attempt, a satellite named MarsMax-3000, was launched with great fanfare. Its mission: take exactly six pictures of Mars and return triumphantly. Instead, MarsMax-3000 veered off course after its sixth photo and is now missing somewhere in space.
“We think it might’ve accidentally entered autonomous mode,” said CIA Director of Engineering Dr. Theo Landers, looking visibly stressed. “Last we checked, it was uploading selfies near Venus. Honestly, it’s probably moonlighting for Saturn at this point.”
When asked why they didn’t try to retrieve it, The CIA shrugged. “Space is big, and gas is expensive,” said one engineer. “It’s cheaper to just build a new one.”
Where Did the $3 Trillion Go?
When questioned about the mind-boggling budget, The CIA stated “We're confident every penny was spent wisely,” said Chief Administrator Sheila Farris. “Mostly. Probably.” According to Farris, the funds went toward critical items such as paperclips, ergonomic staplers, premium ballpoint pens, color-coded binders, custom mousepads, laminated calendars, scented markers, and, of course, office parties, tacos... lot's of taco's, and empanadas.
“Look, we're working hard!” said Dr. Theo Landers, nervously flipping through a stack of unfiled reports. “Sure, maybe the scented markers weren't essential, but they boosted morale! And the tacos? We love Taco's over here. Who doesn’t work better after tacos?”
Farris added, “And empanadas are team building. You want a unified team, right? Empanadas bring people together.”
Reporters were left dumbfounded as The CIA staff shuffled away, muttering about needing to prepare for the next mission.
“Space exploration is expensive,” said CIA Chief Administrator Sheila Farris. “You can’t just expect us to go to Mars without tacos.”
Next Stop: Mercury—Just Because...
Undeterred by the criticism, The CIA has already submitted a $3 trillion request for a mission to Mercury, citing the need to “see what’s going on over there.”
The agency admits they have no scientific goals for the trip but insists, “We just want to see what's over there."
The Congressional Budget Office has shockingly approved the request, with one official commenting, “We don't know where we'll get the money, but we'll figure it out. Maybe bake sales...or something like that.”
What about The Moon?
When asked about returning to the Moon, CIA officials seemed less enthusiastic. “The Moon? Eh, we'll get around to it,” said Farris. “It’s not as exciting as Mars or Mercury. But if China wants to go back, then we're looking at another $2.8 trillion. We can’t let them win, obviously.”
Critics are already calling this the most absurd use of taxpayer dollars in history, but Farris defended the agency’s actions: “Space isn’t just about science. It’s about tacos, empanadas, and showing other planets who's boss.”